


You're A Mean One, Mrs. Castellano

by FortLauderTales



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: Ballet Gets Mentioned So There's That, F/M, TMP Secret Santa Fic Exchange 2014, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 14:12:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FortLauderTales/pseuds/FortLauderTales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: "Danny and Mindy decide to spend the holidays overseas and Annette gets SO mad. Does she pack herself into Danny's suitcase? Does she use hotel staff as pawns to make mischief from afar?"</p><p>Well, your wish is my command!</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're A Mean One, Mrs. Castellano

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scarlettblythe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarlettblythe/gifts).



Where better to spend the first night of a holiday trip than Immigration purgatory at the Hamburg airport? Danny stewed bitterly, alternately tapping his feet and pacing in front of Mindy, who was sitting in one of the uncomfortable folding chairs as they waited for the “official” to return.

“If we had gone to London like I wanted in the first place instead of a place where we had to wait two hours for an agent with decent enough English to become available we would already be at our hotel having dinner”, Danny finally huffed, breaking the silence.

“Whoa, buddy! You most certainly did not want to go to London. Who was it that said that he wouldn’t go to a place where they didn’t speak real English? Besides, we missed our chance to book the London leg on the cheap when we thought you’d have to get a new passport because Annette ‘accidentally’ took yours home with her”, Mindy said, not even trying to blunt her pointed sarcasm.

“That’s over the line, Mindy! Yes, Ma has some boundary issues, but she did not deliberately hide my passport!” Danny sat, then tried in vain to get comfortable in the hard little chair, but only succeeded in becoming more frustrated with, well, everything. Mindy was no less frustrated, but was desperately trying to cling to her Romantic Trip Around The World For The Holidays high. She was not about to let a second more of this trip be wasted on being angry at Annette, at Immigration, or even Dr. Impatient-and-Fidgety.

When Mindy was accepted for the Fellowship at Stanford, or more accurately, when Danny realized the enormity of the loss he was about to face as he heard her chirping on and on about how excited she was to be gone for eight months, he suggested that instead of flying there directly that they take the long way around. That’s how they found themselves changing their flight search from New York - San Francisco to New York - Hamburg (absolutely NOT London) - Athens - Osaka (let’s find out why everybody thinks Japan is so special, plus sushi everywhere!)- San Francisco. Their excitement was dampened, of course, when they realized that this change meant stretching their planned four day trip into a 10 day jaunt through three continents over the Christmas holiday. Not that they minded the chance to be completely alone with each other, but...how were they going to break it to Annette?

Well, Annette seemed to take it exceptionally well the next day when she had lunch with the couple at Danny’s apartment. Danny even complimented her on how well she handled the news that she and Dot would be cooking the cenone and watching the Pope’s Christmas Mass on their own this year. Annette smiled sweetly and said, “Oh, Danny. Of course I understand! It’s not every day your heathen girlfriend gets an exciting opportunity like this AND gets to take a boy away from his mother on the most blessed night of the year!” Ok, that might not seem like a reasonable reaction by most people’s standards, but for Annette Castellano, it bordered on angelic. Maybe they should have suspected that a mild guilt trip was not to be the last word from Annette.

“Danny, she’s been trying to sabotage this trip since you told her about it! Or am I the only one who remembers seeing “bomb threat hotline La Guardia” in her browser history?”

“That doesn’t mean anything! She just likes to follow the news in a very specific way! Leave her out of this. This is NOT her fault. It’s all you. I told you not to joke with the Immigration agent about kidnapping and smuggling Justin Barber’s pet monkey. These people are not here to make small talk with tourists. They’re here to protect____”

“MY fault? Like I could have predicted that Hans was a particularly humorless Belieber! Just relax, babe. I’ve got this covered.”

Danny’s breath caught in his throat as a stream of increasingly illegal possibilities ran through his mind. “Oh God. What did you do, Min?”

“It’s cool, babe! Morgan told me about a travel tip he read on CouchSurferGetaways.com. Apparently, if you’re pretty sure you’re going to get 'randomly searched', you pack a discreet envelope with a $10 and write ‘Nothing to see here, friend’. That’s how they know that you’re cool, and they send you on your merry way.”

“Great, now you’re taking travel advice from Morgan, who I’m pretty sure has never left New England. What you’re basically telling me is that we paid thousands of dollars to spend Christmas Eve, the first night of our first big trip overseas  explaining to the cops that we’re not trying to bribe them. Dammit Mindy, and we had tickets to Giselle at The Hamburg Ballett tonight!”

“That’s not as tragic as missing the hotel’s Willkommen open bar. You know that’s only from six through nine!

“What?! How is THAT the priori--”

“Uh, Doctors Castellano and Lahiri? You will please come with me, yes?”

Mindy jumped up, with her best smile beaming. “Yes! Hans! Hey! I’m sure that during our totally un-racist ‘random’ baggage screening you came across a little somethin’ for all this trouble?”

“Doctor Lahiri, I suggest you not call attention to your inappropriate ‘tip’. What good is $5.76 to me? You do know the Euro is worth more than the Dollar? You basically gave enough to buy half an espresso. Please follow me.”

Hans walked at a brisk pace, not looking back. Mindy struggled to keep up, even in her Fat Steps: Leisure Edition shoes. Danny brought up the rear, hissing in Mindy’s ear, “$5.76? I thought it was supposed to be $10!”

Mindy hissed back, “I got hungry and needed cash, ok? It’s not my fault that a pastry that should cost $2 costs twice as much at an airport.”

Hans came to a sudden halt as a voice crackled over the walkie pinned to his shoulder. He looked back at the couple, eyeing them wearily as they stopped just short of running him over, and pressed a button on the walkie. “ _Ja, freilich, mein Herr_”, he said.

Hans turned to Danny. “Doctor Castellano, you may go. Please follow the green line to the exit. An officer will escort you out of the Immigration area. Enjoy your stay in Hamburg. Doctor Lahiri, this way.”

Danny and Mindy looked at each other, panic in their eyes. “Hans, I’m not going anywhere without my girlfriend. I’m going with you.”

“ _Nein, Doktor_. This is not permitted. We must complete our investigation of Doctor Lahiri. She will have the opportunity to call you to tell you her fate when we finish.”

“But--”

“Danny, just go. I’m sure it’s nothing”, Mindy said, swallowing her nervousness. “Look whatever this is, I’ll deal. Maybe call a lawyer in the meantime? I don’t know what to expect. I know you’d come with me if you could, but you might just make this worse if you don’t do what Hans says. I’ll call you as soon as I can, ok?”

Danny, didn’t know when he’d clenched his fists, but he forced himself to unclench them and take a deep breath. “Alright. Alright, I’ll...um...I’ll see what I can do, ok baby? I’ll be here when you get out, I promise.”

With a quick peck and tight smiles they parted ways, Mindy following Hans along the red line, and Danny following the green line to a podium where the officer managed through a mix of sign language and stilted English to point him to a cafe in the terminal that had great coffee and decent wifi.

Wiping the sweat from his palms, Danny blankly sifted through his contacts looking for anyone who might help, rolling his eyes as Cliff’s smug face drifted by. He was about to swallow his pride and try his hand using WhatsApp to contact Cliff when, almost without a conscious thought, he pulled up the FaceTime thing that Mindy had set up so that he and Annette could stay in touch (“ _God Danny, here, so you don’t have to go a day without checking in with your mother_ ”) and hit the button before he could think twice about it.

Annette picked up, and Danny got an eyeful of Annette’s ear before he could see her face. “Ma! Ma! You don’t put it to your ear like a regular phone. Ma! MA!”

“Cool your jets Daniel! I’m not the gadget junky that you are. Give me a few seconds to figure this out, would ya?”

Dot could be heard in the background instructing, “Annette, you put the phone in front of your face like a mirror in a compact! It’s a trick that my grandson taught me. It’s a shame you don’t have grandkids to keep you up to date with the new technology like I do.”

“Ok, thanks for helping, Dot. Ma, I need to talk to you in private.”

“Fine, I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll come back at 4 so we can watch the Maury special, Annette.”

“Alright, Dot, alright. Let me talk to my son. DANNY. HOW. ARE. YOU? HAMBURG. FUN?”

“Ma, it’s not a telegraph, speak normally, and don’t shout.” Danny rushed on impatiently, before the last of his bravery left him. “I have to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me, ok?”

Annette smiled innocently and said, “Oh, sure honey! Ask away!”

“Did you..um…” Danny sighed, and squeezed his eyes shut. “You know what, nevermind. I’m sure I’m just being stupid. It’s just that we got to Immigration and we got randomly selected for some type of screening. They let me go but asked to keep Mindy for some kind of investigation. Somehow it popped into my head that you were involved. Ma, I’m so sorry. You deserve better than a son who thinks that you could do anything other than wonderful, good things. Just pretend I never called, ok? I gotta go. I need to find a lawyer who can tell me what to do here.” He opened his eyes to see his mother’s eyes beginning to tear up as she shook her head, her hand covering her mouth as she gasped.

“Oh no, Danny! Oh, honey, I’M the one who’s so sorry! It was a silly joke! I never thought Mindy would actually get in trouble.”

Danny felt the bottom of his stomach drop and the sweats return. He forced himself to keep his cool as he asked, “What exactly does that mean?”

“It’s nothing! It’s just I gave Mindy a little box, and told her not to open it until she got to the hotel. Inside is a little envelope of oregano that says ‘420 Reasons To Carry Me Away’. Oh, God! Is she in trouble? I figured she’d end up snooping in the box and toss the envelope away before you left!”

“I can’t believe you, Ma! Seriously?! This is horrible! The Immigration officer was talking like she might be in there a long time and I have no idea how to explain to him that my demented mother was playing a prank because she’s a selfish person who can’t stand for her son to be away from her at Christmas! And you know what Mindy said to me when you gave her that box? She told me that as tempted as she was to open it, she respects you so she wasn’t going to even look at it until we got to the hotel. Ma, she spent half the flight daydreaming about how it might be a ‘Sorry I’ve been such a bitch’ letter or even a goddamn cookie! Just...something to make her feel like a part of the family for once! How could you do this to her?”

Annette could hardly see the phone through her tears. In between sobs she managed to choke out,“I just didn’t want you to run off and elope somewhere where they don’t even have a Catholic priest to absolve you of the sin of marrying outside of your faith. I’m just worried about my little boy’s soul and--”

“--Ma! Ma, just..” Danny interrupted, his impatience growing as he tried to reason with his mother. “Ma, this is getting more ridiculous. How did you make the mental leap from ‘My son is going out of town for 10 days’ to ‘My son is running away to get married’? You really think I’d get married without you at my side? Without Richie? And why are you being so crazy anyway? You weren’t like this when Christina and I went to Hawaii for two weeks before we got married, and you HATED her. Even at the wedding you were all smiles when you weren’t rolling your eyes and impersonating her behind her back. Oh God! Is it dementia? It’s dementia, isn’t it? I’ll make you an appointment with Doctor Long as soon as I get back--”

Annette wiped her eyes and interjected, “Look, Danny, it was different with Christina. I knew that wasn’t gonna last. I mean it went longer than I thought it would. Dot’s cousin Gertie beat us all in the pool by two years! But with Mindy… Danny, these last few years have been wonderful! When you were growing up, we NEVER got to spend this much time together. I was always working and when I wasn’t, you were working hard to get good grades and help keep Richie in line. Then by the time you paid off the house and I could finally work fewer than 70 hours a week, you were busy with Med school, and then you just *poof*! You moved away. I never even knew to miss you because knowing you were there but not really interacting was just so normal for us, you know? But after Christina...Danny, after you and Christina broke your Holy vows, that’s when I really got to know you. And who would’ve thought that we’d end up being such pals, right? Now that I’ve had you pretty much all to myself, how can I go back to the occasional phone call and monthly dinner, huh? I feel like I just got my baby boy back and I’m already being asked to give him up, and I guess I just got carried away, because now I know to miss you. Now I know what I’d be giving up.”

As much as Danny tried to hold on to his anger, he felt himself feeling mostly sorry for his mother. He was constantly surprised by her love for him and by her possessiveness. And he knew he let her get away with a lot. Like Annette, he felt like the last few years had been a sort of second chance to have a relationship with his mother that hardship had denied him. But he also knew, especially with this, that something had to change. All he could do now, though, was focus on helping Mindy, and say to his mother, “Ma, I’m sorry that you feel that way. I understand you more than you know, and we’re going to have to talk about this when I get back. For now though, please just know that I’m no more willing to push you out of my life than I am to let you try to push Mindy out. You love me. I get it. I love you too. Mindy’s part of the picture now. She’s part of the family, and the sooner you come to terms with that the better. I’ll never stop being yours, you know? You’re the only Ma I have. I’m just asking you to open your heart a little for one more. I know you can do that. You’re superwoman. You’re...you’re amazing.”

Annette sniffled as she nodded. She finished wiping her eyes and said, “Ok, sweetheart. I’ll try harder. I love you so much. Go find yourself a lawyer. Oh! I’ll have to call your hotel in Japan. I had told them to refuse her any desserts from room service because she has amnesia about her deadly sugar allergy. They were very accommodating. Please make sure you find Katsuko and tell her Annette Castellano says hi.  And don't accept any packages when you get to Athens. No reason, just don't. Merry Christmas, baby."

“Ok, I’m gonna hang up now. Bye Ma. Merry Christmas.”

Danny hung his head, which was swirling from the conversation. Before he could pick up his phone to call Cliff (he really needed to get the names of the other lawyers in the building) he felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around to see Mindy standing triumphantly, if a little tired. He stood to wrap her in a hug, and asked half-jokingly, “What happened? Did you make a run for it? Did you hit someone with your massive Vogue?”

Mindy giggled and sat at the chair across from him. “Well, when they searched my luggage they apparently found a little gift from your mother: An envelope that said ‘420 Reasons To Carry Me Away’. I don’t think she would actually plant pot on me, so I played it off by saying, ‘Oh gosh, my handwriting is terrible! That’s seasoning. I’m trying to perfect a recipe for my boyfriend. The envelope actually says 420 Seasons To Curry My Satay.’ Danny, I don’t even know what satay is! It sounds like something glamorous that JLaw would eat and spit out before she asked for something from McDonald's, right? Anyway, after that--”

Mindy stopped, seeing Danny’s face. There was relief there, sure, but also something new. It was some kind of determination and so much love that she hadn’t previously known was possible to convey in a facial expression. Instead of continuing with her story she said, “You know what? I bet if we hurry we could still make it to the ballet. And you better take me out for a huge fancy dinner with huge fancy drinks afterward. I’ll definitely need all of them after all of this.”

Danny chuckled as he stood back up and gathered their things. “Yeah, babe. Whatever you want. For the next 10 days I’m all yours." He leaned in to kiss her softly, and pulling away with a little smile he said, "For the next 10 forevers, I'm all yours. I love you. Come on. Let's get get this trip started."

**Author's Note:**

> I was so excited to get you for my Secret Santa! I think you're one of the coolest people in this or any fandom. Well, I hope you enjoy your fic present and that it fills your prompt! Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays! Your pal, FortLaudeTales/MexiCarli


End file.
